Hump Day
by meloni420
Summary: Season 5 premiere"- 3 months after 'Goodbye Toby' . Pam's coming back from NY, Michael's going to be a daddy. . kind of. . or is he? What happened with Dwight/Angela/Andy? Will Phyllis ever use the copier again? These and more questions answered!
1. Hump Day

_My first fanfic. . . or teaser for a possible fanfic depending on how you look at it. Takes place 3 months after 'Goodbye, Toby'. Season 5 premiere if you will. Written in the style of the show (at least attempted). _

-- Cold open --

_We open in the conference room for Angela's talking head. The room is elaborately decorated with muti color streamers and small twinkling lights. _

Angela: No. I did not do _this._ I respectfully resigned from my position of head of the party planning committee after 7 years of loyal service for personal and professional reasons._ (pause, scowls at the camera) _I am way too busy to waste my time with such ridiculous endeavors! _(pause, more concerned) _Why? What did you hear?!

Phyllis_: _After Toby's going away party Angela decided it would be in the best interests of the office to make me head of the party planning committee. I think I deserve it. _(whispers) _I haven't used the copier in three months.

_- -- _

_We open on the office as we normally see it, only with a young Spanish girl sitting at reception in Pam's place and no Toby. The camera closes up on the girl, then on Jim who gazes for a minute in her direction then quickly looks away as she shoots him a confused glance. _

_-- Talking head --_

Jim: Yeah, so, Pam is still in New York. It was an adjustment. I pretty sure I'm the reason her replacement has the security guard walk her to her car every night. . . But yeah, (_points to colorful banner above his head which says, 'Welcome back Pajello", happily) _she's coming back today. . . I mean, uhm, it's only temporary until she finds a graphic design job. Still excited. I've sent 25 text messages this morning trying to explain how 'Pangelo', a bad reference to Michael Angelo, the artist, turned into 'Pajello', a bad reference to jello, the fruity gelatin dessert. . . I mean it's not like we didn't see each other last weekend, it's just. . . it'll just be nice to have things back to normal. _(the camera closes up on Michael intensely humping the office plant, Jim turns his head in acknowledgment) _okay,_ that _is not normal.

_-- --_

_Shoot to the office, specifically the office's shocked reaction to Michael humping the coat rack. _

_Michael (to the rhythm of his humps): _Hump, hump, humpity, hump. Oh, oh, so good. C'mon people, join in! This is what being a team is about!

_Dwight jumps up and begins to hump the air. Shoot to Jim's disturbed reaction._

Jim: I so do not need this mental image.

Phyllis _(under her breath): _Tell me about it.

-- Talking head --

Michael: You know what today is? It's hump day! (seriously) As a manager, I know it's up to me to bring the traditions of other cultures into these people's lives. They're like those poor little starving kids in those late night commercials from Australia or some other decapitated country and I'm the guy with the beard that brings them bibles. Except my bible is acceptance and we don't have as many flies.

Oscar: Hump day is just another excuse for Michael to hump inanimate objects. In fact, I'm pretty sure Michael has humped everything in this office (jumps up from his chair holding his arms away from everything) Oh my god.

Angela (_scowls_) : Hump day is an offensive concept that promotes the heathen ideal of premarital sex to unsuspecting youth _(looks guiltily at the camera)_ Why? What did you hear?!

Kevin (snickering): . . . _Hump_ day.

-- --

_Cut back to the office. Michael walks out of his office and wanders around, stopping at Jim's desk. Michael takes a seat on the desk, awkwardly close to Jim's head. _

Michael: J man. Ja-Ja- what's crack-a-lackin'?

Jim: Whoa. Hey there Michael. Not going to hump me are you?

Michael: That's what she said! _(laughs)_

_Jim shoots a look at the camera to say 'I walked right into that'_

Michael: So the little woman comes back today. And on hump day of all days!

Jim: . . . I don't like where this is going.

Michael: So I was thinking, and if you crazy kids wanted to borrow dad's office for a little hanky panky to celebrate the holidays. . .

Jim: Michael, stop right there. Any celebrating Pam and I may do will not involve referring to you as 'dad', let alone be occurring in any vicinity of your office.

Michael: Get with the thousands, Jimma. An office shag can be very romantic. Spice things up with a naughty romp at work. . .

_Camera pans to Dwight, who looks up at the camera then quickly looks back down pretending to be immersed in work. Camera then pans to Angela who scowls and the camera returns to Michael and Jim._

Michael: Jan and I used to do it all the time. Nothing like a quickie in the office.

Jim: That's disturbing.

Michael: . . . okay, well, maybe not in the office, but sometimes she'd make me call her 'boss'. And she would pretend I was her sexy assistant 'Rinaldo'_. (think) _Come to think of it, she had an assistant Rinaldo when she worked for corporate. Small world.

_Jim: _Wow, okay. Do you think it's a good idea to talk about these things in front of someone just out of high school?_ (motions towards the receptionist)_

Michael: Oh, her. She doesn't understand English. Good thing she has a translator for the phone or I don't know how she'd get anything done.

_-- Talking head --_

_Girl: _My first day Oscar told me not to be offended if Michael assumed I only spoke Spanish. After hearing a few more stories about Michael, I decided to use it to my advantage. . . Despite only having two years of Spanish in high school, it wasn't that hard.

_-- --_

_Cut to Michael walking up to reception. _

Michael: Hey, not-Pam. . . any messages?

Girl: Que?

* * *

_Just a little teaser to see if this is worth running with. Let me know if I should go on with it. If I get a positive response,expect a big Jam surprise (and not necessarily what you think), some Dwight/Angela/Andy weirdness, and more hanging plot lines answered. _


	2. Jan leaks, Michael freaks

_**Chapter 2 **_

_Camera cuts to the break room, or what can be seen in the break room from the camera's hidden position. We see Andy and Angela eating lunch together in an awkward silence._

_Cut to Dwight watching the same scene from his desk. He continues to gaze sadly into the break room._

Jim: Dwight! . . . Dwight!

_Dwight's concentration remains on the break room. _

Jim: Fact: bears make perfect pets.

Dwight _(turns his head toward Jim_): I'm not in the mood, Jim.

Jim _(looks at the camera surprised, then looks back to Dwight_): So I guess that whole thing (_motions towards the break room_) is still going on.

Dwight (_scoffs, turning his attention from the break room_): Obviously. And it is not a _thing_.

Jim _(looks sympathetically at Dwight, thinks for a second_): You're right. Who does he think he is?

Dwight (_looks suspiciously at Jim, then says matter-of-factly_): . . . Andy Bernard is a fool. (_pauses_) Perhaps there is a way to show the office what a fool he is.

Jim: You know Dwight, I'm sure everyone is well aware.

Dwight: Not _everyone_. . .

Jim: Ah, right. (_looks at the camera, then smiles_) You know, I bet there are plenty of ways to make a fool of Andy Bernard.

Dwight: What are you implying?

Jim (_seriously_): Use the force, young Jedi.

Dwight (_scoffs_): Do you have any idea how long it would take to harness an energy field of that size? Be serious, Jim.

_Jim gives one of his 'wow' looks to the camera. _

Jim (_sighs, looks back at Dwight_): Keep it simple, stupid.

_Dwight thinks about this, looks towards the break room again and gets up from his desk. He turns back quickly_.

Dwight: You're not as dumb as you look, Jim.

Jim: You're welcome, Dwight.

- - - - - - - -

_Camera cuts to a very pregnant Jan walking through the door, keeping her head down. _

_Jan (to the receptionist): Is Michael. . . _

_Dwight (frantically runs over, pulling Jim from his chair): _What are you doing! The mother of Michael's illegitamate spawn should not be standing in her condition!

Jim_ (as Dwight pulls him from his seat): _Whoa! Calm down!

_Dwight drags Jan to the chair, making her sit down._

Jan: Dwight, really I just came to see. .

Michael _(happily running from his office): _Jan-a-rama! The mother of my unborn. . .

_Jan (stand up from the chair, at least tries to as Dwight holds her back):_ Dwight, let me go._ (Dwight looks to Michael for approval, then allows her to stand) _Michael, we need to talk. Office, please.

_Jan walks into Michael's office, putting her head down as she passes the camera. Michael follows behind, looking worried. We hear nothing for a few minutes, then Michael yell like an angry child. _

Michael: You're a LIAR!

_Michael storms out of his office walking quickly towards the conference room._

Michael: Everyone. Conference room. Now!

_Everyone begins to stand up, looking at Jan, who is standing at Michael's office door, rubbing her temples and avoiding eye contact. We pick up with everyone seated in the conference room with Michael up front. Jan approaches the room._

Michael (_runs over to the door, shutting it before Jan can enter): _Everyone but you. You're banned from my conference room and from my heart! _(locks the door, sticking his tongue out at a peeved Jan through the blinds. He then turns towards everyone else) _Okay everybody, as you can see my life is in shambles and I need your best advice. I need you to take all the energy you were planning on spending on work today and use it to solve my problems.

Stanley (_looking up from his crossword)_: Hmph. (_looks back down_)

Michael: So here's the dilly - Jan cheated on me with . . . with her baby daddy and I need to know if she should be kicked to the curb.

Kelly: Oh my god, this is exactly like "_Passions" _except the people aren't has cute. I guess those things really do happen in in real life.. .

Oscar: Michael, we've been through this. Artificial insemination is not the same thing as cheating.

_Kevin (snickering):_ . . . Jan had _sex_ with a test tube.

Michael: Shut up! . . .No Jan did not have sex with a test tube. That was a lie. She has sex with a man. An evil, evil man that ruined my life.

Dwight: Who was it, Michael?

Michael: Remember Rinaldo, Jan's assistant, from corporate?

_Everyone nods, and exchanges "oh"s._

Phyllis: He's a nice man.

Michael: No, Phyllis. No he is not. He is an evil person and a terrible human being and he can't read or write.

Jim: Seriously?

Michael (_getting frustrated_): Well. . . no. But, still, I'm sure there are plenty of bad things about him. . . The point is I need to know everything anyone knows about Jan and Rinaldo. Were they a thing? How many times did they do it? How large is his p. . .

Angela (_offended_): Michael!

Michael: . . . penthouse. Get your mind out of the gutter, Angela. (_Angela quickly puts her head down, horrified.) _I need information, people. (_Creed raises his hand, Michael points at him_) Yes, Creed. Lay it on me, brother.

Creed: The way I understand it the old lady was implanted with some sort of (finger quotes) "predator," and when it hatches it must face invaders from another planet. These (finger quotes) "aliens". . .

Kelly (_interrupting_): Uhm, isn't that, like, the plot of that movie?

Jim: Alien Vs. Predator.

Kelly: Oh. My. God. That movie was _so _scary. The whole time I'm like do not go in there, but they did and it was all dark and stuff and I was like 'oh nooo! I bet something bad happens' and then. . .

Michael (interrupting): No! No, Kelly! Nobody cares about you or your bad taste in movies! (Kelly looks down offended) I'm sorry. . I'm sorry. . It's just we're here to talk about my problems. Jan trampled all over my heart with her stupid, ugly face and no one in this office even cares!

_Camera points at a very embarrassed, very pregnant Jan still staring into the locked conference room. Michael notices the camera's divided attention and shuts the blinds._

Oscar: Michael, do you think now is a good time for this?

Michael: Yes, Oscar. Yes I do. My woman ran off. . .

Kevin (_interrupting_): But, she's right there. (_points at the window, where we can see Jan attempting to peek through the blinds_)

Michael (_yelling_): Not the point, Kevin! I need a friend and you are paid to be my friend!

Oscar: Technically. . .

Michael: You know what. . Forget it! Just forget it! Everyone out!

_Everyone begins to stand up. _

Creed (_jumps up_): Wait! . . . This isn't right.

_Everyone stops to look at Creed, surprised. _

Creed: That was a movie?

Michael (_yells as everyone groans, pointing at the door with his head down_): OUT!

_The camera focuses on the break room where a very large Jan and Kevin are attempting to maneuver around each other's weight. Kevin stops in front of the vending machine and suddenly Jan leans over a table gripping her stomach. _

Jan: What the. . . No, no, no, no. Not here, not here.

_Kevin looks over and as he does we see his eyes drop to the floor and look at the camera stunned. He opens the door and calls into the office._

Kevin: Uh.. . . Guys. Jan's leaking.

_Everyone looks at each other, catches the meaning, then runs to the break room door. Jan is kneeling on the floor, panting. Dwight tries to break through the group with a first aid kit. _

Dwight: Move it people! I've delivered fifteen baby cattle, six moose, and a reindeer and have only failed twice!

Jan: No, no, no! Please God not here! . . Hospital. . . somebody. . . sane. . . please.

_Camera shoots to Michael walks towards the group of people_

Michael: What's going on. . _(sees Jan on the floor) _Oh my. . . is it time? Oh my god! C'mon people, code red! Code red! Move it!_ (frantically runs around the office, grabbing random office supplies) _Dwight, boil water. _(Dwight nods and hurrys off) _Andy, flower shop . . balloons. A lot of them_ (Andy runs out of the office) _Angela, towels! (_Angela nods and follows suspiciously behind Dwight_) Jim, where do we keep the clean pliers?

_Jim looks confused at the camera, shaking his head and shrugging. _

Jan (in pain): NO! No. . . hospital. . . (cringes) please anyone . . . but Michael.

* * *

_When we return, we see the camera focused on an empty office. Pam walks in, looking around confused. _

Pam: Hello?! Jim?. . . Dwight?. . . _Michael_?. . .

Jim (_casually walking out of the conference room, sneaks up close to Pam_): Is that in any particular order, Beasley?

Pam: Oh! (_turns around startled, sees Jim then smiles_) . . . Hi.

Jim: Hi. (_hug_)

Pam: Where is everyone?

Jim: Jan went into labor and apparently the answer to how many office workers does it take to have a baby is all of them.

Pam: Wow. Going into labor here. Poor Jan.

Jim: Oh believe me, you have no idea. It took at least fifteen minutes to convince Michael that it would be better to have the kid in a hospital. . . then another ten to convince Jan to get into Michael's car to go there. Michael insisted everyone come along for moral support.

Pam: Except you.

Jim: Whatever. . . I am _so _glad I'm here_. _

_Pa_m_ (smiling)_: Me too. (_shyly_) So how about we ditch this place early and honor hump day the way it should be honored.

Jim _(laughs_): Wow. . Whoa. First of all, you're amazing. Second of all, you're kind of a pervert. Thirdly, when did you talk to Michael?

Pam: I know, sometimes, and he left 5 voice mails explaining the cultural significance of hump day.

Jim: It's a very important holiday, you know.

Pam: Obviously. . So, let's go. (_tugs Jim towards the door, Jim doesn't budge_)

Jim: Hey, hey. Calm down. (_Pam stops_) I figured we could, you know, hang out here for a bit.

Pam (_confused_): Here?

Jim (_shocked_): What? Too good to spend a romantic afternoon at Dunder Mifflin Scranton? (_scoffs_) New York really has changed you, Pam.

Pam (_laughs_): Okay then. I'm game. What should we do?

_Jim leads Pam with his hands on her eyes to the still decorated conference room and turns on the lights, Jim takes his hands off her eyes and she looks around and laughs. _

_Pam (pointing at the banner): _It really says 'Pajello'

_Jim jumps in front of her _

Jim: Surprise! . . . (_Pam continues to laugh_) Sorry your party is so lame.

Pam: Whatever, I only agreed to come back today because I wanted to see. . .

Jim (_interupting_): Creed.

Pam (_smiles_): Stanley, actually.

Jim (taking Pam's hand, leading her somewhere): C'mon I have an idea.

_Next scene we see from the apparently trying to stay hidden camera following a distance away from Jim and Pam as they climb the stairs to the roof. _

Pam: Wow, I haven't been up here since (thinks, then realizes). . .

Jim _(smiling): _I know.

Pam _(enlightened as they come to the top of the roof. Pam stands to face Jim.): _Oh my god. This is it, isn't it?

Jim _(smiles even wider): _What is what?

Pam _(teasing): _Geez Halper_t,_ get it over with already!

Jim: Only because you asked so nicely. . . _(begins to reach in his pocket, then stops suddenly. His face in shock staring behind Pam) _Oh my god. . .

Pam _(while turning around) _Wha. . .

_The camera appearently comes out of hiding and focuses on a half naked Dwight and Angela and a shocked Jim and Pam, who stare horrified at the now obvious camera. _


End file.
